Position One: How have I experienced love in my life?
Seer of Feathers (Page of Swords, Earth of Air)
The Page of Swords is emotionally detached and cautious, often viewing the world as an outsider observing the lives of others. She hangs on to her sword of truth, even when it does not benefit her. I have experienced love as a dangerous, conditional, and unreliable thing which leaves me cautious of getting close to others. My “sword of truth” about love is that I am replaceable and if I allow myself to put my walls down and connect with someone they will hurt me deeply. I don’t like believing that, but if I’m being perfectly honest with myself it is a belief a hold.
Position Two: What has come from it?
Seer of Fossils (Page of Pentacles, Earth of Earth)
From this experience, I believe the result would be how Paul Quinn describes the shadow of the Page of Pentacles in Tarot for Life: “Pursuing purely practical avenues to the exclusion of emotional or spiritual needs” (274). Many of my life’s decisions have been based on what I “ought” to do as the most practical thing rather than what might be best for my whole elemental self. For example, during one particular session, my therapist asked me what I wanted. I didn’t even really understand the question because that never factored into my life choices. Having not experienced nurturance of my own inner self by those who raised me, I failed to nurture my inner self as well.
Position Three: What do I desire?
Nine of Fossils (Pentacles)
I desire the happy satisfaction that will hopefully come when I have arrived in a more safe and comfortable place with love. I desire the satisfaction of calmly and confidently existing in my family of choice and knowing that all of my hard work I put into relearning what love is was worth it.
Position Four: What holds me back?
Ace of Branches (Wands)
I have the desire to change, but it can be difficult to keep that Ace of Wands burning when it is regularly doused with water (emotion, fear).
Position Five: What does love ask of me?
Ace of Shells (Cups)
Love asks that I plant a new seed of emotional truth. I have a flourishing bushel of fear when it comes to love, but I should tend to a new seed that needs care and nourishment. One that perhaps is based in intuition, trust, and love itself.
Position Six: What can love give me?
Seven of Shells (Cups)
Love can give me the fuel I need to imagine accepting that unconditional love is real and that it is being offered to me. The Seven of Cups can often indicate daydreams divorced from reality, but in this instance I don’t think that is true. In this instance, I need to accept that this dream is real. I just need to shake off my fear and embrace it.