Reading: Past Pains

Ugh, maybe yesterday’s evening read was more a peek at what today might feel like. I’ve made a lot of personal progress is processing my traumas and living a healthier life. But boy, some days the past just jumps up and pushes me off an emotional cliff. That was today! So I won’t be doing a regular evening read today. I don’t feel like looking for the silver lining. Today I just want validation for my feelings. So I drew four cards from tarot to see how it might do that.

In this particular case, things are indeed much better in the present day. But for several years, I was treated maybe not so good.

Reading 2015, Dec 21
Ostara Tarot

Eight of Cups

I feel defeated and disappointed. I have worked so super hard to get to this place of goodness that I am today. But some days all of that hard work feels like I had to beg for kind treatment. And that doesn’t feel good. At all. It makes me feel lonely and sad, like that poor eagle person sitting on the mountaintop in the card.

The Emperor

I don’t truly have a sense of stability. Despite wishing to feel otherwise, I feel like the rug will be tugged out from under me at any moment. That if I had to beg for something, how can I count on it to stick around? I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel secure in this connection or like I am being taken care of in the same way that I give care and consideration.

Page of Swords

If the Page can be a symbol of an immature state of development within a suit or element, I feel this is what I am up against. I feel that others do not think long enough to consider how their actions and words might cut me. I may be a sword-heavy person, but I am generally acutely aware of others’ feelings and do my best to make people feel comfortable, welcome, and loved. I don’t feel that I get that in return with any degree of consistency.

Knight of Coins

I feel like this Knight in the picture. Wading knee deep through snow with a bear — that I’m not sure I can totally trust. Maybe the bear has helped me in the past, but it’s also knocked me off my feet and bared its teeth in my face. It’s abandoned me when I needed assistance and left me lying in the snow when I’ve fallen. These things are hard to forget.

Overall Sense

An overall feeling I am seeing reflected back at me in this reading is insecurity, a lack of safety. Which in turn makes me feel angry. I put in so much time and work and I still don’t feel the same being returned. Like I said, things are actually much better than they were in the past. But like that bear in the Knight of Coins, I don’t feel sure things are all as they seem. It is an incredibly defeating feeling. Not my best day ever. Not my worst. A hard, sad day.

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