Reading: The Fortress

As I’ve talked about many times before, I identify strongly with the Nine of Wands and its defensive meaning. Tonight I decided to draw nine cards to represent the nine wands of my little defensive fortress. I don’t have any particular question in mind. I just thought I’d practice trying to see the spread as a whole. Baby steps. And I’m not in the mood tonight to look on the bright side or to think of how I can respond positively in this current situation. I’m holed up in my fortress, and that’s the way it is right now. Maybe these nine card can give me some insight or validation about my little fortress or how I end up here.

Reading 2016, Jan 13
Dreaming Way Tarot

Well, the first thing I noticed is the three fives. Struggle, conflict, and pain. The Two of Swords speaks to a difficult choice. The Eight of Cups is leaving something behind, while the Devil is being trapped. The Page of Swords is rational and assertive, but may be too quick to judge. The Knight of Cups is dreamy and romantic, and the Ten of Pentacles is about abundance and family. So, putting these all together …

Three of the cards that jump out as part of the same narrative to me are the Devil, the Two of Swords, and the Eight of Cups. A difficult decision is being pondered behind these fortress walls: Do I abandon something I’ve worked very hard at? And am I at risk for some kind of imprisonment either way? If I walk away, am I trapped by my own inability to stick it out, resulting in a Five of Pentacles (hurt) and/or Five of Swords (hollow “victory”) situation? Or if I stay, am I trapped by my emotional intensity (Knight of Cups) in being too invested in something I don’t get emotional returns on?

Part of me wants to Five of Wands the situation. Open up my gates and come out swinging. Sharing some characteristics with the Page of Swords, I could be effective at that particular approach, but is that the approach I want to take? And will that lead me to the abundance of life of the Ten of Pentacles?

The cards certainly reflect the conflict waging within myself and in my outer world. Not only conflict, though, but intense confusion and mixed emotions. The Knight of Cups and the Page of Swords don’t seem to see eye to eye about how to do things, and they’re both certainly fighting within me. I also, against my better judgment,Β hold out a wee bit of hope for wholeness and happiness (Ten of Pentacles). Do I stay, do I go? Do I love, do I fight? I do recognize that these things are not necessarily either/or. They’re still very uncomfortable to mix and balance. Too much of one and I damage myself. Too much of another, and I do unnecessary harm to someone else. What a mess!

I’m not sure how “well” I did at interpreting this, but this seems to have helped me to articulate some of my conflicting emotions about this situation. So I’ll call it a success! These cards all did really hit home, and when I put them in direct conversation with each other the conflict and confusion really seemed apparent to me.

And I’m certainly open to any help or suggestions as I awkwardly wiggle into the stage of trying to see the spread as a whole πŸ™‚

Reading: Past Pains

Ugh, maybe yesterday’s evening readΒ was more a peek at what today might feel like. I’ve made a lot of personal progress is processing my traumas and living a healthier life. But boy, some days the past just jumps up and pushes me off an emotional cliff. That was today! So I won’t be doing a regular evening read today. I don’t feel like looking for the silver lining. Today I just want validation for my feelings. So I drew four cards from tarot to see how it might do that.

In this particular case, things are indeed much better in the present day. But for several years, I was treated maybe not so good.

Reading 2015, Dec 21
Ostara Tarot

Eight of Cups

I feel defeated and disappointed. I have worked so super hard to get to this place of goodness that I am today. But some days all of that hard work feels like I had toΒ beg for kind treatment. And that doesn’t feel good. At all. It makes me feel lonely and sad, like that poor eagle person sitting on the mountaintop in the card.

The Emperor

I don’t truly have a sense of stability. Despite wishing to feel otherwise, I feel like the rug will be tugged out from under me at any moment. That if I had to beg for something, how can I count on it to stick around? I don’t feelΒ safe. I don’t feel secure in this connection or like I am being taken care of in the same way that I give care and consideration.

Page of Swords

If the Page can be a symbol of an immature state of development within a suit or element, I feel this is what I am up against. I feel that others do not think long enough to consider how their actions and words might cut me. I may be a sword-heavy person, but I am generally acutely aware of others’ feelings and do my best to make people feel comfortable, welcome, and loved. I don’t feel that I get that in return with any degree of consistency.

Knight of Coins

I feel like this Knight in the picture. Wading knee deep through snow with a bear — that I’m not sure I can totally trust. Maybe the bear has helped me in the past, but it’s also knocked me off my feet and bared its teeth in my face. It’s abandoned me when I needed assistance and left me lying in the snow when I’ve fallen. These things are hard to forget.

Overall Sense

An overall feeling I am seeing reflected back at me in this reading is insecurity, a lack of safety. Which in turn makes me feel angry. I put in so much time and work and I still don’t feel the same being returned. Like I said, things are actually much better than they were in the past. But like that bear in the Knight of Coins, I don’t feel sure things are all as they seem. It is an incredibly defeating feeling. Not my best day ever. Not my worst. A hard, sad day.

Evening Read: 15 Dec 2015

Reading 2015, Dec 15
Joie de Vivre Tarot

Position One: What did I excel at or learn today?

Eight of Cups

Today marked the end of the academic semester. I submitted final grades and moved on. I usually worry about the grade distribution and whether some students will be upset about their grades. But today I submitted grades and immediately moved on with my day. I’m getting good at this whole not obsessing over everything thing!

Position Two:Β How can I strive to be my bestΒ tomorrow?

King of Swords

Remember to be fair in my interactions with others, not domineering. Also, give myself some mental stimulation. Read, learn something new, and share. I like how the King of Swords in this deck looks so friendly πŸ™‚

Reading: The Moon

Reading 2015, Dec 3
Gypsy Palace Tarot, A Reading for the Moon from Rachel Pollack’s The New Tarot Handbook

Position One: What phase of the moon am I in — waxing, full, or waning?

The World

When I first read this question I was really worried about how to read waxing, full, or waning from a card. But the World clearly says full!

Position Two: What benefits does it bring me?

The Moon

It should give me the power and light necessary to explore the mysterious world of my unconscious during this new time in my life.

Position Three: How does it challenge me?

Two of Cups

As I’ve spoken of before, giving freely in love is a new and challenging experience. But the metaphor of a full moon certainly describes where I’m at as far asΒ being ready to really give it a go. So it’s a challenge, but one I’m up for.

Position Four: How can I meet the challenge?

Eight of Cups

By leaving behind my carefully constructed walls and assumptions about the world and how love works (or doesn’t). The Eight of Cups acknowledges that it’s not the world’s easiest choice, but the choice is made and I am moving forward.

Position Five: What will come next?

Three of Swords

Go away, Three of Swords! I’m tired of seeing you! And what are you doing in this position?

Huszka’s little white book frames this as a card of letting go. While I am using logic to overcome my deeply emotional fears regarding relationships, it doesn’t mean it will be a painless transition. So perhaps this is a reminder that a new direction won’t automatically make it all sunshine and rainbows. There will be discomfort and possibly pain. This card also features a moon. So in this position I read that as deception. Any pain that comes will likely result from the irrational beliefs that I hold, so when it happens I should stop and examine the pain and the beliefs behind the pain.