Full Moon Reflection: 23 Mar 2016

At this full moon, I decided to try a spread from New Age Hipster. I used the Animal Totem Tarot and the Mirrors of the Heart oracle deck.

Position One: What’s going on in my life right now

March 23 - 1

King of Cups, Gentleness

The King of Cups has great control over the watery element of emotions. I am barely hanging on to control, but I suppose the key is that I haven’t let my emotions overtake me. There are many changes happening right now in my life. My business plans are moving along, Mr. Donkey just got a new job, we’ll be moving, and I’m having trouble with a particular relationship. While most of these are good things, I still don’t handle change super well. So it’s good that I’m still tenuously in control of my emotions. I have to be gentle with myself when I stumble and gentle with myself by allowing myself to feel some of the intense emotions that are headed my way. They aren’t inherently bad. Just observe, feel, and don’t lose control.

Position Two: What to release, it no longer serves me

March 23 - 2

The Hermit, Movement

At first these cards seems to be contradictory. But in the position, perhaps I need to let go of the expectation that others will go within themselves, reflect on certain issues, and take action based on their introspection. As much as I would love this, I certainly can’t make it happen. And if I expect it I’ll be disappointed quite regularly. It’s a hard thing to release, though, because I just don’t think it’s asking a lot for people to think before they act when their actions are potentially harmful or damaging. Having this expectation brings a lot of pain.

Position Three: Lessons

March 23 - 3

Page of Cups, Awakening

I’m not even sure yet. I feel like I’m in the middle of many lessons right now, but I’ve not yet quite “learned” them. Time will tell. Pages are the youngest  and least developed of the court cards, and the Awakening card depicts little fetuses in the earth. I’m still in the beginning stages of many lessons during this crazy transitional time in my life. So who knows? Like the seal, I just need to go with the flow and have as much fun as I can along the way.

Position Four: Blessings

March 23 - 4

Two of Wands, Peace

It’s been a blessing to start taking some big steps in my business plans. I’m finalizing a logo at the moment, and when we move I’ll be creating a brand new work space. I have many choices ahead, and being able to create these plans is a blessing in itself. I’m much more at peace beginning this work than have been at other work. This work will allow me to care for myself and to create a peaceful environment in ways I could not with a more “traditional” job. A privilege and a blessing indeed.

Position Five: What my heart wants

March 23 - 5

Nine of Pentacles, Sanctuary

Sanctuary! It’s been a really rough go for a while. My soul aches some days. I wish for peace and contentedness. A nice slow pace of life and quiet place to seek peace. I want sanctuary from heartache. But I don’t want to isolate myself.

Position Six: Big step to take to reach my dream

March 23 - 6

Ten of Cups, Voice

Speak up in my family of choice. If I show up without my voice, I’ll never feel like myself — which means I’ll never feel like I really belong. Show up, speak up.

Position Seven: What to focus on next

March 23 - 7

Two of Pentacles, Stillness

One thing at a time without overburdening myself or over- or under-focusing on any one area. Make small goals, all the while maintaining an inner sense of quiet stillness. One day that might be to pack several boxes. Another day that could be to revise my code of ethics, to walk in nature, or to read and journal. Focus is needed during this time, but I need to focus on only focusing on one thing  at a time. Focus on not getting overwhelmed.

Reading: Self Love

Depression is kicking my tush today. I mean big time. Now that I’m functional enough to be able to process a little through tarot, I wanted to do a small reading. However, any of the readings I found from my (very short) internet search of tarot readings for depression involved more self work than I can take right now. I don’t have any extra emotional reserves. I just need help with positive self-talk. So I decided to do a three card draw with just one question in mind: “What makes me a good person?”

Reading 2015, Nov 29
Gypsy Palace Tarot

Nine of Pentacles

I do things well, even if it takes time.

Even though I get really enthusiastic about things (at times to the point of obsessiveness), I am good at waiting when I know what’s coming is good. I’m independent. I take pride in a job well done. Once the initial foundation has been laid for a relationship, I am patient and dedicated to working on improving it and making it as good and strong as it can be.

Eight of Wands

I am passionate and action-oriented.

I am enthusiastic about my projects. When I am excited about something, I love putting together and implementing a plan. Like Huszka’s depiction, it feels like entering a new and enchanting place I’ve never been.

Two of Cups

I love deeply.

As much as relationships are a source of fear for me, I do love fiercely. I desire love, and I take great joy in expressing my love for others whether it be through kind gestures, small gifts, thoughtful listening, or quality time. When I love someone, I love them intensely.

Reading: The Lovers

Reading 2015, Nov 12
Animal Wisdom Tarot, A Reading for the Lovers from Rachel Pollack’s The New Tarot Handbook

Position One: How have I experienced love in my life?

Seer of Feathers (Page of Swords, Earth of Air)

The Page of Swords is emotionally detached and cautious, often viewing the world as an outsider observing the lives of others. She hangs on to her sword of truth, even when it does not benefit her. I have experienced love as a dangerous, conditional, and unreliable thing which leaves me cautious of getting close to others. My “sword of truth” about love is that I am replaceable and if I allow myself to put my walls down and connect with someone they will hurt me deeply. I don’t like believing that, but if I’m being perfectly honest with myself it is a belief a hold.

Position Two: What has come from it?

Seer of Fossils (Page of Pentacles, Earth of Earth)

From this experience, I believe the result would be how Paul Quinn describes the shadow of the Page of Pentacles in Tarot for Life: “Pursuing purely practical avenues to the exclusion of emotional or spiritual needs” (274). Many of my life’s decisions have been based on what I “ought” to do as the most practical thing rather than what might be best for my whole elemental self. For example, during one particular session, my therapist asked me what I wanted. I didn’t even really understand the question because that never factored into my life choices. Having not experienced nurturance of my own inner self by those who raised me, I failed to nurture my inner self as well.

Position Three: What do I desire?

Nine of Fossils (Pentacles)

I desire the happy satisfaction that will hopefully come when I have arrived in a more safe and comfortable place with love. I desire the satisfaction of calmly and confidently existing in my family of choice and knowing that all of my hard work I put into relearning what love is was worth it.

Position Four: What holds me back?

Ace of Branches (Wands)

I have the desire to change, but it can be difficult to keep that Ace of Wands burning when it is regularly doused with water (emotion, fear).

Position Five: What does love ask of me?

Ace of Shells (Cups)

Love asks that I plant a new seed of emotional truth. I have a flourishing bushel of fear when it comes to love, but I should tend to a new seed that needs care and nourishment. One that perhaps is based in intuition, trust, and love itself.

Position Six: What can love give me?

Seven of Shells (Cups)

Love can give me the fuel I need to imagine accepting that unconditional love is real and that it is being offered to me. The Seven of Cups can often indicate daydreams divorced from reality, but in this instance I don’t think that is true. In this instance, I need to accept that this dream is real. I just need to shake off my fear and embrace it.

Reading: The Fool

I just received Rachel Pollack’s The New Tarot Handbook: Master the Meanings of the Cards. After each Major Arcana card description, she provides a reading about that card. So I thought doing these readings after I explore each card would be a perfect way to work my way through the majors. So here is the first one: The Fool’s Reading.

Reading 2015, Nov 6
Gypsy Palace Tarot, The Fool’s Reading

Position One: How have I been a Fool in my life?

The Devil

This one has taken a lot of thought and reading, and I’m not sure I’ll get it “right.” Good thing practicing tarot isn’t about one right answer! 🙂

As I’m skimming through the majors, I’m beginning to get a sense of the story or path that they show. Of the different experiences and lessons we all go through or need to achieve on our “fool’s journey.” Frankly, I haven’t mastered a lot of things along the way. I didn’t have a lot of guidance, and so I think this card here might represent that. I was “chained” by my longtime assumption that I was responsible for the emotions of all of my family (of origin) members. I was chained by the assumption that I had to have these people in my life, even when they sucked my own life energy away. Silenced by the assumption that I couldn’t stand up for myself.

How have I been a Fool in my life? I think the problem is: I haven’t. At least, not in a long, long, long time. So I’m a Fool who has lost my intuition, but I am aware of my chains. Not the world’s happiest thought. But it’s true.

Position Two: How has it helped me?

The Lovers

Being aware of these chains, the little Fool inside me is not content to sit down and remain chained forever. This could be a choice that The Lovers represent. In addition to representing choice, The Lovers also represent connection. I see my chains, and I can choose to chip away at them by forging connections. So while my past certainly hasn’t “helped” me, my awareness of the damage it has done is essential to leaving it behind. And love is essential for this process: love of my myself, love for my family of choice, and love from my family of choice.

The Lovers can represent a (very delayed!) adolescence of sorts for me. A getting to know myself, which means letting go of these proverbial chains and going out into the wide world — like The Fool.

Interestingly enough, the number of The Devil (15) reduces down The Lovers’ number (1+5 = 6). I’m not sure what that means here, but it is interesting.

Position Three: How has it hurt me?

Nine of Pentacles

The woman in the Nine of Pentacles is able to enjoy the success of her hard work. Rachel Pollack in Seventy-Eight Degrees of Wisdom says, “‘Success’ here means not so much worldly achievement as success in ‘creating’ ourselves out of the material given us by the circumstances and conditions of our life” (243).

I think I’m going to go with a double-negative here since my answer to Position One was that I haven’t really played The Fool. So I’ll say that not playing The Fool often enough has made it difficult to obtain and enjoy a successful self-creation. This is something I am currently working on now. Through The Lovers’ influence of love for self, for others, and from others, I am taking ownership of my own life by being less serious and creating myself through joyful (“foolish”?) exploration.

Position Four: Where in my life do I need to be more foolish?

Queen of Pentacles

Pollack in The New Tarot Handbooks says this queen “brings passionate love to the living world” (255). The Animal Wisdom Tarot says, “Pig encourages us to dig up lost, vulnerable, or despondent selves” (80). I should be more foolish both out in the living world and in my inner world to free my lost (Fool) self. Get silly, think silly, be silly.  The Queen of Pentacles takes joy in the small things in life. Things don’t have to be complicated to be beautiful and bring happiness.

Position Five: Where will the Fool not serve me?

Knight of Cups

This knight is dreamy and prone to fantasizing. The Fool also is not action-oriented. To successfully unchain myself, I will definitely need to take definitive action. I can certainly take time for introspection and thinking and dreaming, but these things alone will not free me.

Position Six: What gifts does the Fool bring me?

Ace of Pentacles

Aces are representative of beginnings, and so is the Fool. Pentacles represent earth energies, which are the things of our physical world: friends, family, home, work, money, sex, pets, nature, activities. The Fool freely explores whatever strikes her fancy. She can gift me this ability to lovingly explore and experience the world around me with excitement and childlike wonder.

Overall Reflection

This was a really hard reading for me, and while I’m not totally confident in the interpretations of each of the individual cards, this has been a good exercise for thinking about my inner Fool.

Additionally, three of the six cards were pentacles. In my exploration of The Fool, I assigned her the elements of earth and fire. I absolutely have the drive (fire, wand) in this situation; it’s putting it into action in the world that is tough. So perhaps this was another nudge to not think so much about my motivation and desire, but to manifest these desires physically.

Reading: Cultivating Communication

Today my Efflorescent Tarot deck arrived! It’s really beautiful.

What do I need to understand about communicating with my family of choice?

Reading 2015, Oct 19
Eight of Pentacles, Nine of Pentacles, Three of Cups (Efflorescent Tarot)

Eight of Pentacles

Methodical and diligent. Perseverance and dedication. Communicating effectively is not something that can be done without concerted practice and hard work. Relationships are indeed work, but the rewards of this job well done are priceless. In this card, the painter has many brushes. This could represent the different tools needed to be a good communicator. Just one brush could not capture the image the artist wishes to paint. The pentacles the model reclines on are orange, while in the painting they are yellow. This could represent some things as being lost in translation. Or not lost necessarily, but messages could be received not quite as they were intended. This could also represent how people can be changed through communication / relationships.

Additionally, it takes both the model and the painter to create this work of art and both are reflected in different ways within the painting. Communication requires all parties to be involved. In order for each person to feel valued and heard, communication (including listening) should be undertaken with both dedication and joy. The model is nude, and this could represent vulnerability. It takes trust to bare oneself in front of others, and it is a great responsibility to respect the vulnerability of others and to cultivate a safe environment where this vulnerability can be transformed into un-self-conscious confidence.

Nine of Pentacles

Independence and solitude, but also loneliness. I’m an introvert and a bit of a loner. I need solitude to re-charge my batteries, and I’m perfectly comfortable being alone for long periods of time. It’s a good thing to be able to find comfort in my own company, but I can’t be my only company. To train a bird to rest on her hand must have taken great patience. Just as she could not expect the bird to “befriend” her right way, I should be patient cultivating these relationships. It will require some give and take, even when these relationships are solidly established. Perhaps it is also a reminder that it is okay to retreat for short amounts of time to reflect, recharge, and to think before responding in a difficult situation.

Three of Cups

It’s kind of funny, I was going to just draw two cards and felt like I ought to pull one more. And here’s my new friend the Three of Cups! This time around, I think I’ll interpret it a little more literally in light of the current situation. In addition to my experience with a serious trigger last weekend, there was another situation. There were plans to decorate for an upcoming fall party, but that didn’t happen for a few reasons.  My feelings were really hurt since I thought we had planned a family activity together. I felt like (admittedly still feel like) these plans weren’t a priority or weren’t valued by others in the family. In my already extremely fragile state, this crushed me. In my hurt feelings I had pondered cancelling the family fall party. Maybe this card says, “Throw the party! It might be tinged with hurt this year, but you’ll regret it more if you don’t.” In fact, the card seems to depict a somewhat gloomy day. Darker sky and a tree with no leaves. But these women have gathered anyway. Maybe now is not the time to retreat.