It has supported my intellectual gift. I have nurtured this side of me because it was the safest piece of myself to grow in that environment.
Position Three: How has it confined me?
I can often have a skewed or confused sense of justice. I am both acutely aware of inequality and injustice, and I struggle with whether my expectations and ideals of justice are fair or if I “rule” too harshly. I lack self confidence in decision making and my sense of true self.
Position Four: What will break it apart?
Queen of Pentacles
My gentle friend the Queen of Pentacles is back to remind me: true joy in the world around me. Surrendering to what is beautiful and joyful in this world. Accepting the love and nurturance of those who encourage this in me.
Position Five: What will emerge?
Page of Pentacles
A new me. A curious and enthusiastic woman happy to explore the world around her for no other reason than the joy of learning.
I’m having a craptastic afternoon, so I found a spread I’d like to try out. It’s from tarot in a teacup.
Row One: What is the root cause of my anger?
The High Priestess, The Star, The Sun
The High Priestess is about the subconscious. While I try to be conscious of the baggage I carry around and how it affects me, I can be dragged under when it reaches up from my subconscious and catches me unawares. The High Priestss also indicates my tendency to immediately retreat inward when I am angry. I retreat from the world, including those around me. However, I’m not exactly listening to my inner intuition or unconscious. Just fleeing. When I have retreated so far into myself, I lose clarity (The Sun) or any glimmer or sense of hope (The Star). This makes it difficult to climb out of the deep hole of anger I’ve fallen into.
The Star can also indicate my tendency to have high ideals. When they are not met, I can become angry. Both my total withdrawal (The High Priestess) and my overly high ideals (The Star) block my ability to think with clarity (The Sun), so I become trapped in anger.
Row Two: What I need to do to heal/resolve my anger issues.
Page of Swords, Page of Pentacles, The Hermit
Pages are not active (like, for instance, knights), and the Hermit speaks to conscious introspection. These cards seem to be saying, “Stop!”
The Page of Swords says, “Stop and evaluate your state of mind.” The Page of Pentacles says, “Stop and evaluate the situation that surrounds you.” The Hermit says, “Stop and look within yourself. Be honest and learn from what you see.” Just stop. Evaluate, and then choose a different way to move forward rather than staying put in such an ugly emotional/mental place.
Pages also represents earth. So they can also be saying, “Stay grounded. Don’t float away on your sea of anger. Stay here.”
Four major cards and two court cards! This may speak to this as a larger developmental / spiritual issue for me. Of course it affects my daily, more “mundane” life, but it’s something I need to tackle on my Fool’s Journey (majors) in order to make real progress on my family (court cards) aspirations.
Position One: How have I experienced love in my life?
Seer of Feathers (Page of Swords, Earth of Air)
The Page of Swords is emotionally detached and cautious, often viewing the world as an outsider observing the lives of others. She hangs on to her sword of truth, even when it does not benefit her. I have experienced love as a dangerous, conditional, and unreliable thing which leaves me cautious of getting close to others. My “sword of truth” about love is that I am replaceable and if I allow myself to put my walls down and connect with someone they will hurt me deeply. I don’t like believing that, but if I’m being perfectly honest with myself it is a belief a hold.
Position Two: What has come from it?
Seer of Fossils (Page of Pentacles, Earth of Earth)
From this experience, I believe the result would be how Paul Quinn describes the shadow of the Page of Pentacles in Tarot for Life: “Pursuing purely practical avenues to the exclusion of emotional or spiritual needs” (274). Many of my life’s decisions have been based on what I “ought” to do as the most practical thing rather than what might be best for my whole elemental self. For example, during one particular session, my therapist asked me what I wanted. I didn’t even really understand the question because that never factored into my life choices. Having not experienced nurturance of my own inner self by those who raised me, I failed to nurture my inner self as well.
Position Three: What do I desire?
Nine of Fossils (Pentacles)
I desire the happy satisfaction that will hopefully come when I have arrived in a more safe and comfortable place with love. I desire the satisfaction of calmly and confidently existing in my family of choice and knowing that all of my hard work I put into relearning what love is was worth it.
Position Four: What holds me back?
Ace of Branches (Wands)
I have the desire to change, but it can be difficult to keep that Ace of Wands burning when it is regularly doused with water (emotion, fear).
Position Five: What does love ask of me?
Ace of Shells (Cups)
Love asks that I plant a new seed of emotional truth. I have a flourishing bushel of fear when it comes to love, but I should tend to a new seed that needs care and nourishment. One that perhaps is based in intuition, trust, and love itself.
Position Six: What can love give me?
Seven of Shells (Cups)
Love can give me the fuel I need to imagine accepting that unconditional love is real and that it is being offered to me. The Seven of Cups can often indicate daydreams divorced from reality, but in this instance I don’t think that is true. In this instance, I need to accept that this dream is real. I just need to shake off my fear and embrace it.